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I'm done with music! I don't care enough to learn all the technical bullshit, so why compose any when it'll never be perfect?
Facebook, Myspace, Hotmail, Yahoo Messenger, Vampirefreaks.. I don't exist in these worlds anymore, I need to start making real connections.
Just when I get confidence in my music they come along & fuck it all up... >.< This is not helping me get over my depression in the least.
Don't expect much people.
Touches someone, somewhere.. You may as well have the impact you want.
I'm fighting my own recovery process like the depression is a drug. lol Oh well, nothing's gonna change & hopefully people will see that & leave me the fuck alone now. I don't need help, I don't want it! I never have, I was only fooling myself into thinking it's something that was necessary. Call it self-destruction, call it whatever you want. I'm happy. Fuck off.
I promise to go back to school monday & to work my ass off..
I promise to have hopes & goals to work towards..
I promise to change for the better..
I promise to find reason to live..
What do you know? I was lying!
That's how long I have until my therapy starts.. also my first loves birthday.. She was the reason I decided to get better oddly enough. She was the reason I re-enrolled into school, she was my motivation, she was my world.. I wanted to give her what she deserved.. Oh, what I wouldn't give to feel her touch in these trying times.. >.<
Normal people, would try to find those feelings again with someone new. Me.. I can't.. I'd feel as if I were looking for her all over again.. Your first love is quite significant if you think about it.. no matter what happened between you two, deep down the things you loved in that person are the things you look for in everyone new. Even something as small as the way they look at you, or how their nose crinkles when they laugh.
Maybe I'm not over her, maybe I am & this is normal.. I wouldn't really know, I'm the last person equipped to talk about normality..
I used to think about how I couldn't imagine being with someone, I thought of it as drama.. as baggage. Now I just think I'm searching for her all over again & I'm scared I won't find anything even remotely close.
Sorry for all the emotional rants.. It's late and everyone is sleeping now so my mind is free to wander.
Maybe my next rant will be a better one, full of the hopes & dreams & well, maybe I'll even be an all around better person..
I feel like a contradiction yet again by saying so but, I can only hope things improve..